Zen and the Art of Drunk Texting Madness

With websites like Texts from Last Night and College Humor, drunk texting/calling has become all too public. As I bow my head in shame I can regrettably say I have fallen victim to my own drunk-conscious (a mix between subconscious and unconscious). Now-a-days drunk texting is used as a gauge as to how inebriated you truly were last night. You wake up in the morning, roll over and look at that little piece of technology, sitting peacefully on your night stand as if last night it grew legs, jumped out of our pocket into your hands and messed up your life.

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How Wasted Were You?

On a scale of 1 – 10

1. Let me pencil you in.

This is a prep text. You send it to a fling or someone you have hooked up with before. It goes out either right when you get to the bar or during the pre-game at your place.  It sounds like this “Hey u goin out tonight?” You want to know if they will be available later when stuff gets real.

2. S.O.S

You are still pretty sober but you have lost your friends at the frat, bar, club whatever. You call them even though you know the music is so loud they wont be able to hear their phone let alone you if they answered. Then you send the text “Where you atttttttt?????”

3. Note to sober self.

You are talking with your best friends and you are a little tipsy, but that tipsy mind of yours comes up with a great topic for your ten page paper due next week or all of a suddenly a fantastic recipe idea shoots into your mind. You grab you phone and send YOURSELF a text so tomorrow sober you can be re-enlightened by your pure stroke of genius.

4. Always failing Auto Correct

Now auto correct messes with you on a daily basis but when you are getting drunker you stop noticing that what you are typing is quickly changing the meaning of your text.

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5. Wait Wrong Person

This text goes to the wrong person because their name is either similar to the person you were trying to text ex. Allie and Alex. or you are drunk enough that when you text your best friend about “how awful your date was with Ben” you put Ben in the recipient line and that’s the end of that. This is almost always followed up with “Sorry wrong person!”

6. Last Chance Text.

You send this at closing time. You are hoping the other person is just as drunk as you are but can find their way over to your place. Even though this is sugar coated most of the time both parties know what it really means. Late. Night. Booty. Call. No conversations to be had in the morning.

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7. Family Disaster

Some how you end up texting your father or brother because Dad is really close to David but unlike the “wait wrong person” texts, these are more severe, even emotionally damaging to the receiver. You just sent some really personal information to a family member and there is no going back.

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8. What time is it?

You are clearly very drunk at this point and this call/ text happens mostly on the journey home when you come out of the music induced coma the club put on you. You call someone you know is sober just to rant about your problems but what you don’t realize is that it is 5 am and they have work tomorrow. Opps.

9. WTF are you trying to say?

Wasted. and all your texts come out like this…… hldooveeeee erheaiyouo bazbezy youze are lztrqs gert tacao bellllllll. Though these texts are completely ineffective they do add some comic relief in the morning.

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10. I Love You Baby

This text is my greatest down fall. I am not proud to say that one drunk metro ride home through Paris a boyfriend back in the states was blessed with 28 calls in a row. ehhhh yikes. These texts are always the worst because they are analyzed too deeply and thought about too long after the initial contact. Whoever was drunk probably meant what they said but if they don’t say it sober then PLEASE for your own sake forget it ever happened.

Now that you know where you fall on the drunk scale, you can properly decide if you need professional help or not.